The name's Willmott. Geoff Willmott.

A while back, it became patently clear to me that even though astrology was bunkum, I was disproportionately friendly with Gemini, Sagittarius and Cancer; and December 12 is the birthday not only of two of my dearest university friends but also one of my happier Yale hookups.

The oldest Dec 12 friend obtained his PhD in something very complicated that involved shooting diamonds, which I appreciated largely because it gave me the chance to say that Geoff really was only here for De Beers. But then he went back to New Zealand and, as neither of us are the most communicative men on the earth, vanished.

And then if he didn't go and make my day by turning up here. His blog is now one of the links and he has helpfully offered http://physicsweb.org/articles/world/16/12/2 for our amusement.

Not only, but also a pre-emptive strike on James Bond songs. Geoff would have made a passable Bond, albeit a little slighter than the norm and, being a Kiwi, liable to address M's secretary as 'Muss Moneypinny', but the wit is dry enough.

Anyways, the relevant link is in a comment to the last entry. I promised to rank and rate so, while in Borders attempting to buy Christmas presents, I saw the Best of Bond CD and bought it. Don't say I never do anything nice for you (and I might even be able to give it to my brother for Christmas. Borders was promoting 'can't go wrong' gifts; whoever concocted that has obviously never shopped for my family).

So here goes.

1. James Bond theme. I don't care if you claim it doesn't count, it's one of the finest, most atmospheric, distinctive and memorable film themes ever written. Which of us guys hasn't walked along the street humming dum-de-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum and watching for imaginary SMERSH operatives?
2. On Her Majesty's Secret Service. It might say a lot that the top two have no words, but this is a driven, pulsating work, and the Propellorheads' remix version is out of this world.
3. We Have All The Time In The World. Such a good song on its own merits, made poignant by the narrative, and there's enough of a disjunct between the music and Louis Armstrong's sweet delivery to make it interesting. What this film could have been with Sean Connery.
4. You Only Live Twice. The shimmering opening gets me every time, Nancy Sinatra rocks and the lyrics, which are pretty good, also manage the rare feat of making a Bond title convincing ('for love is a stranger, who'll beckon you on / don't think of the danger / or the stranger is gone').
5. Live and Let Die. The first Bond theme to be Oscar-nominated (for what that's worth), Paul McCartney contrived and controlled gear shifts that make this pleasingly fresh.
6. From Russia With Love. Okay, not a popular choice, but apart from the chutzpah of rhyming 'tongue-tied, young pride' and getting away with it, I love the fact that Matt Munro, the archetypal 50s crooner, is singing a Bond theme. Like Louis Armstrong, there's a curious juxtaposition here that I think is rather effective.

It starts getting tricky at this point.

7. The Living Daylights. Not a great song by any means (not even a very good one), but it's the first one I remember and therefore played an important role in my development. Besides, 'comes the morning and the headlights fade away' is worth a place in the Top Ten for sheer lyrical creativity.
8. Nobody Does It Better. Okay, so a Marvin Hamlisch number is a bit out of place, and it's almost irreovcably ruined by the decision to shoehorn 'the spy who loved me' into the lyrics (thereby depriving cabaret singers of a decent number in perpetuity), but the song itself is a neat midpoint between 'You're So Vain' and 'Simply The Best' and works quite well on that level.
9. Goldfinger. I so wanted to omit this, because it may be iconic but also isn't very good. Having been landed with writing a song called 'Goldfinger,' you may look for ways to muffle the problem, but a good idea is not to have Shirley Bassey as your vocalist, for Dame Shirley (as she now is) has all the subtlety of Rush Limbaugh. Hence we get 'such a COLD FINGER' and 'his heart of gold (four bass thumps) / this heart is COLD,' listening to which makes you wonder why they bothered. Thank goodness they stopped before they used 'old finger' or 'bold finger,' both of which have interesting possibilities...
10. All Time High. It was a toss-up between this, Goldeneye and Licence to Kill, all of which are fairly mediocre, but this at least has a gentle and musically appealing opening, providing a promising base from which the song can precipitately decline. It has bugger-all to do with the film, but you try writing a song called 'Octopussy.'*

And all the rest, frankly, are pretty lousy. 'Thunderball' never overcomes the problem of being called 'Thunderball' and really makes you wish they'd stuck with Dionne Warwick's 'Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.' 'Diamonds are Forever' includes the line 'unlike men, the diamonds linger' which is so clumsy as to be painful. 'The Man With The Golden Gun' begins 'he has a powerful weapon' and tenaciously clings to that level, making it the worst Bond song ever. 'Moonraker' has the Thunderball problem. 'For Your Eyes Only' at least plays with different meanings of 'for', which is great, but it now sounds like a horribly dated power ballad. Why didn't they hire Blondie instead? 'A View to a Kill' has deeply, horribly pretentious lyrics ('dance into the fire' - wtf?). 'Licence to Kill' is and shall always be known as 'Licence to Kilt.' 'Goldeneye' is good but actually makes no sense. 'Tomorrow Never Dies' is alarming and unhummable, 'The World is Not Enough' is and is by Garbage, 'Die Another Day' is agonising and 'You Know My Name' from Casino Royale is unfathomable.

I would have liked to have stretched the rules and included both the theme and 'The Look of Love' from the 1967 spoof Casino Royale, but I stayed firm. Incidentally, I rather liked the new Casion Royale. Nice touches, especially when Bond orders a vodka martini and everybody else at the table decides they'd like one too. Daniel Craig is excellent, Eva Green gives a performance, in itself a minor miracle for a Bond girl, and Giancarlo Giannini is clearly having a whale of a time. I hope he returns.

Speaking of Bond girls, has anyone else noticed that the Christmas tins of Roses and Quality Street contain ready-made Bond-girl names? Who could possibly resist a femme fatale called Orange Crisp, Praline Moment, Chunky Truffle, Golden Barrel, Strawberry Dream, Caramel Velvet, Hazelnut Eclair, Brazillian Darkness, Toffee Penny or Chocolate Fudge?




*addendum: some time ago, Smith & Jones did a very funny sketch about a superannuated songwriter trying to pitch ideas to movie moguls. They included Apocalypse Now ('she said, "leave it till Friday" / I said no / I said "have your apocalypse now"'), Gandhi ('there I was just walking down the beach / and my toes were getting sandy / who should I see, swimming in the sea / if it wasn't me old mate / Gandhi') and Octopussy ('I said "don't be so fussy" / she said "do you know who I am?" / I said "Octopussy"'). Which just goes to show that anything is possible.